10. Race to the ferry pier


My camo rust bucket will see off yours...

My camo rust bucket will see off yours…

Date: unspecified cold, clear December morning

Time: 8.27-8.42am

Course: quarter lap of island

Class: mixed transport class

Propellants: leg power, electric/small petrol engine, fear of missing ferry, attempting to cause rivals to miss ferry, variable smell of canine excrement, any available hill, slope etc.

Inspirations: Wacky Races, Senna v Prost, Battle Royale, Isle of Man TT, the life-affirming lifejacket lady (see below).

We do it for her...

We do it for her…

Final positions:

10. Trundling rubbish cart causes a stink on first corner

9. Triad escapee cycling with face obscured by DAB literature

8. Would-be hipster weighed down by giant headphones

7. Snake startled from the bushes

6. 100-year-old fisherman with bad attitude

5. Cops in toy patrol car divert electric motor to cook morning fish balls

4. Me

3. Stray dog

2. Businessman employs hidden engine in tuk-tuk; overtakes field while cackling

1. Teenage schoolgirl with super-new imported Japanese bicycle, riding serenely with eyes closed

Next meeting: same time tomorrow

NB: Novice racers should note that in keeping with their rebellious nature, islanders prefer to ride on the right-hand side of all circuits in current use – in contrast to the legally enforced left-hand driving you’ll find on ‘conformist’ Hong Kong.

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