58. Foolproof anti-algorithm technique disguised as free jazz

Disturbed by the aptness of the ads haunting your desktop whenever you browse some real fake news or crank up your search engine in the hope of finding a non-fascist holiday destination? Me too. Worry that fascist governments are monitoring your search terms in order to track your thoughts, movements or trousers? Me too. My solution – in no way scientifically tested – is to invent algorithm-defying queries designed to confuse the heck out of whatever commercially-driven or ideologically-motivated surveillance your fingertips are unintentionally flirting with.

Too busy to dream up your own nonsense? Simply copy and paste a line or two of random verbiage from the list below and see what sense the AI on your shoulder makes of your incoherent babbling. With any luck you’ll be given less spookily accurate recommendations and more surreal stocking fillers from the dark recesses of the web.

  • How do I keep my monkey dry?
  • If the four-inch whatsit is wedged in the thing who thence turneth the screw?
  • My beach-fit body won’t be seen dead with me
  • Best birdbath bathing suits 1932-78
  • Uses for old shoeboxes that do NOT involve space travel
  • Menstruating hamster tips
  • If books furnish a room, what does my wallpaper say about me?
  • My boss doesn’t understand him or her: help!
  • How do I get transferred from a jail with a j to a gaol with a g?
  • Is Friends the only proof the ‘90s ever existed?
  • Housing bubble gum chew up chew down with small blackguard and extra cadding
  • What if my neighbours aren’t spying on me?
  • Do spineless hedgehogs make good guard hogs?
  • Current time in Pluto, Illinois
  • Playing card, Pritt Stick and Sellotape stocks: stick or twist?
  • Do molecules wear monocles?
  • Hibernation techniques for furless pets
  • Best holiday resorts for hardworking appliances/traditional burial grounds for ‘80s white goods
  • Where do I report sexist seahorses?
  • Is it legal to conduct my own funeral from space?

So there you go – my gift to a desperate world; a toilet bag of Word Diver-sponsored goodies to help divert the dive-bombers from your pit-stop motel, buying you a little more time and privacy as you traverse your own road to nowhere. Google’s speed and good luck finding that simian hairdryer…

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